Life is unpredictable.
I was feeling really down this morning and so I turned on some worship music, sat down with my Bible and God. When God is silent I talk to him even more...it's through his silence that I always get a helpful answer and a gentle reminder. His silence at times urges me to simply be still and know that He is and he knows what He is doing. This is what I told Him:
The surgery is in less than 6 weeks now. I would like to say i'm not scared and am 100% ready for this but if I did I would be lying. The closer it gets the more realistic it is becoming.
I want my baby girl to be whole and keep everything she was brought into this world with. The hands of people I don't know are going to spend 6 hours un -doing all that your hands have done. It's tragic.
I would like to say that I am okay with that but I am not.
I pray that you give the doctors wisdom to do what they need to and guide their hands and keep them steady.
This is the hardest thing I have ever faced.
I have experienced the great joy of a birth of a child(ren) and have suffered the great loss of losing one. Both experiences came and went.
But this one.
It's one thing to give birth, enjoy it...
Lose a baby, grieve over it...
But it is altogether different to grieve while your child that you have given birth to who is very much alive is very much suffering and is the one having to go through all of the hurdles. It makes me feel helpless.
When you are a parent, you just wish it was you. This won't be over for quite the while. We have a long long many roads ahead with Abigail. I do not know what your plan is for her God. I may never.
I will remain to trust in you.
I simply do not have the mental or physical strength to do anything more but trust in you at this point.
Abigail's life is in your hands. I am releasing her to you totally and completely.
Do what you want God.
I don't understand it all...
But I know your plan...
Love, your child...