If you payed any attention to the photo above, you may have noticed my struggle to crack a smile. Post partum depression (PPD) is something I have been struggling with for over 8 months now. It has been hard to even put a smile on sometimes. I kept this a secret from everyone for a very long time up until just recently. I felt that admitting I really had an issue with this would be my first step to recovery. It all started with the birth of my second child, Elliana this year. She is beautiful and is everything I have always dreamed she would be and MORE. So why did I get so down? I imagine there are a lot of reasons as to why but not all of them are always easy to pin point. It's never easy to feel down and can't figure out the root cause.
I am happy to report that the serious depression I have been feeling has lessened dramatically. Church members, friends and family that have spoken with me recently have voiced to me this change in Spirit. I would like to say that I am very grateful and thankful to those who have prayed for me during this rough patch in my life. I am so glad to know some of you care so much. The post partum depression still comes in bouts, but I am learning how to cope. Things that I have found tremendously helpful are:
- Reading my Bible daily.
- Speaking out about my problems or writing them out in my journal.
- Listening and singing along to worship music.
- Keeping busy, cleaning and caring for my daughter.
- Going for walks, or out to eat.
- Remembering to smile more. :-)
- Doing 1 thing everyday that I don't want to do but doing it anyway.
- Remembering to keep a good prayer life.
These past several months, the enemy has been working really hard at trying to make me feel all alone, and isolated. Unfortunately I had given in to this lie and slipped under. I was severely depressed...never wanting to go outside or communicate with anyone, always feeling paranoid, having trouble handling simple situations and making decisions. All I wanted to do was lay in bed all day and sleep away the sadness. I didn't realize I had a real problem until I noticed other people beginning to notice. Even perfect strangers noticed something was off about me. Some of you out there reading this may be thinking, "Wow, I had no idea this kind of thing could happen to a Pastor's wife!" I will be the first to tell you, we are no different. I am not ashamed to admit these things. Pastor's wives are no different than you. We have real struggles, real fears, real sin too. It seems to me to be a common misconception in the eyes of many -they tend to believe that a Pastor or preacher's wife has to fit this certain mold. This is a popular belief but it simply isn't true. I am like anyone else. I am an individual with problems to hard to bare. The only difference in me is that there is a Savior abiding on the inside of my heart. Who gently guides me down this narrow path, and is always there to wipe every tear that comes, and catches every tear that falls. He is my rest when I am weary. He is my hope, He is my peace, He is my light and way. I can tell you now with full confidence that if it weren't for my Jesus, I would have given up a long time ago. If it weren't for my Jesus, all hope would seem lost, if it weren't for my Jesus I would have no tears left to cry, if it weren't for my Jesus I would surely die. I thank the Lord for raising me up out of this present darkness I have been up against. I trust He will continue to shield me, and I believe he will do the same to those of you readers out there as well who also trust and believe in Him as Lord over your life. Never lose hope. Never stop seeking the Lord. Never stop. God bless you,